Failing is not an Option

I do not have a great self-esteem and often I wonder… will I ever make it? Am I good enough?

Any situation in my life where I’ve made it was only because the others were crap, or so I believed. Why would I believe that it is because I’m any good?  Why would I believe I’m any better than the others?

It is really hard to find my self-esteem, to be confident and believe in what I do. I am not sure that people that act confident are really as confident as what they make us believe. Maybe it’s one of these masks they put in front of their faces because it’s easier that way. It’s easier to show off rather than to show weakness. Maybe I shouldn’t call it weakness because I do not believe that people, like me, that are seeking their confidence are weak.  Also we do not tell people we are confidence-less and often we come over as super confident people even arrogant sometimes.

I constantly repeat to myself: “You are only as strong as your weakest link” and “Your fears will get you nowhere”. By lacking self-confidence I stop myself, and I know that. The frustration comes from this exact point: knowing that you are the only person stopping yourself, knowing that at the end of the day, if you fail, you are the only person responsible. Now how do I live with that? How can I get this confidence build up? I see people that are half what I’m worth and yet I doubt when they don’t. I am jealous of them; sometimes I wish I had their confidence.

I am trying, every single day, to find it. Why is it that some days I feel like I am on top of the world and then others, just feel like I am worth less than nothing?

Unfortunately or fortunately for me, Failing is not an option. Somehow I know I will make it. Somehow I also know that the fact that my confidence is lacking is helping me getting better. It helps me look at thing from different angles all the time and improve what I do. I am never truly happy with the result of my work; always think it could be better.

Finally when people tell me my work is great, I think they are being nice of course… and here we are again where we started: Why would I believe that it is because I’m any good?

I may never find my self-esteem and I have to live with that, "Failing is not an Option" is the only thing that keeps me going because honestly, Failing will never be an option for me.