Past, Present, Future

There is one thing that is very difficult; it is to live in the now, to live in the Present.

I believe most people do not realize that they live either in the Past or in the Future. Only few people are able to live in the Now. I am one of the people that is incapable to live in the Now. I am always wondering what will happen if and what would have happened if…..

Why is it that living in the present is so hard? Why is that? Why is it that living the now, the present, the ‘what happens right here right now’ is impossible for me to live?

I absolutely realize it is a huge problem because that way you can never truly enjoy what you have. You are never happy because in the past you had this and in the future what will you have. It makes you fear every little thing because the unknown is eating you alive.

Most people make plans for the future, which never go through; I am one of these people. I have a wonderful life, yet I am never happy with what I have. I always want more, and will probably never get enough. When I am on holidays I already organize the following holidays. I always wonder what tomorrow will be made of.

But today, I am sick and tired of thinking. Some days I wish I was just a ‘Carpe Diem’ kind of person. But then people do not change, I am who I am,  I know I can evolve; I know I can get better and I know it will bring me a brighter future to not think so much….

At the end of the day, the past is what it is and the future is the unknown. I just have to learn to live with this and make each day worth living.

Friends for Better and for Worse.

When do you call a person a friend? Here is a question that I ask myself often. When do the boundaries fall? When do you trust somebody 100%? When will they not disappoint you anymore?

These questions are difficult to answer.

When you move from city to city, when you move where you do not know anybody and where nobody knows you, sometimes it’s hard to make friends. It’s hard to find what you have back home. It’s hard to be all alone, friendless. Even if Skype, Facebook and Messenger helps you keep in touch more easily than 10 years ago, there are still days where you miss your friends like hell and secretly wish that life would have kept you closer to them.

Lately I have been disappointed by people that I have let enter my private circle of friends. And then I wonder: How many friends do I really need? If at the end of the day I am always the one calling maybe it means that they don’t give a shit or maybe it doesn’t mean anything but honestly why would I give a shit?

My father once told me: “In life you have to put up with your Family but you choose your Friends so make sure you choose them well.” I guess that I have probably been choosing them wrong.

I admire these people that have 500 friends and that know everybody as soon as they get somewhere, but that is just not who I am. I share in friendship; I love friendships that go both ways and not just as a one way street.

Along the way, along the path of life, you get to meet wonderful people that will end up in your private circle of friends and then you meet less wonderful people that fade away with time and that weren’t supposed to stay anyways, if only you got to know this as soon as you meet them.

Some friends are forever, some friends are like family and you have to put up with them. But at the end of the day, when it goes wrong and you need a shoulder to cry on, you know that they will always be there for you.

So who needs new friends when you have such good friends already?

Failing is not an Option

I do not have a great self-esteem and often I wonder… will I ever make it? Am I good enough?

Any situation in my life where I’ve made it was only because the others were crap, or so I believed. Why would I believe that it is because I’m any good?  Why would I believe I’m any better than the others?

It is really hard to find my self-esteem, to be confident and believe in what I do. I am not sure that people that act confident are really as confident as what they make us believe. Maybe it’s one of these masks they put in front of their faces because it’s easier that way. It’s easier to show off rather than to show weakness. Maybe I shouldn’t call it weakness because I do not believe that people, like me, that are seeking their confidence are weak.  Also we do not tell people we are confidence-less and often we come over as super confident people even arrogant sometimes.

I constantly repeat to myself: “You are only as strong as your weakest link” and “Your fears will get you nowhere”. By lacking self-confidence I stop myself, and I know that. The frustration comes from this exact point: knowing that you are the only person stopping yourself, knowing that at the end of the day, if you fail, you are the only person responsible. Now how do I live with that? How can I get this confidence build up? I see people that are half what I’m worth and yet I doubt when they don’t. I am jealous of them; sometimes I wish I had their confidence.

I am trying, every single day, to find it. Why is it that some days I feel like I am on top of the world and then others, just feel like I am worth less than nothing?

Unfortunately or fortunately for me, Failing is not an option. Somehow I know I will make it. Somehow I also know that the fact that my confidence is lacking is helping me getting better. It helps me look at thing from different angles all the time and improve what I do. I am never truly happy with the result of my work; always think it could be better.

Finally when people tell me my work is great, I think they are being nice of course… and here we are again where we started: Why would I believe that it is because I’m any good?

I may never find my self-esteem and I have to live with that, "Failing is not an Option" is the only thing that keeps me going because honestly, Failing will never be an option for me.

Finding Never Land…

Have you ever heard of the Peter Pan Syndrome?

I always ask myself: “Why do we have to grow up?” “Why do we have to become responsible?” “Why do we have to become boring?” Why do we have to take ourselves so seriously?”

I am a grown up, I am a working person, I am what this world wants me to be: a wife, a mother, I own my house and my car. I am what they call a responsible person. Yet I do not feel like one. I still feel like this little girl who wants to have fun and never wants to grow up. I secretly suffer from the Peter Pan Syndrome.

Life was much easier when we were children: Innocent and Free! Now, as grownups, we become bitter, we have so many responsibilities that we, sometimes, forget who we are.  Who are we kidding anyways? Everybody does what they HAVE to do… nobody does what they WANT to do. And for sure, do not get off track because somebody will be there to remind you that you’re on the wrong path.

Who are they? Who are they to tell us what to do? Why do we have to proof ourselves constantly? Why do we look for people’s acknowledgment? Because, at the end of the day, who cares! Someday we’ll die and the world will just go on…. No matter if we did well or not.

Deep down inside, I am still a child. I wish I could just get outside and yell running like crazy on the pavement, but honestly, what would people think? As grownups we have to ‘act’ serious, responsible and of course “Boring”. Boring is the main accomplishment that we made it as responsible adults: Boring dinner conversations, watching Boring TV shows and the most important, a boring lifestyle.

I hate to take myself seriously and I hate people that do take themselves too seriously. On Facebook, I often see pictures of people that aren’t even thirty and have grandparent’s activities and I wonder: “What will these people do when they retire?” When I see this I wonder: “Where has their Peter Pan gone” Did he die at the same time as their inner child? Did they forget what it is to have fun?

Why? Why is it that we grow up to be boring? Why is it that only children can eat and paint with their fingers? Why do we pretend all is fine? Why is it that we consider ourselves achieved whenever we get to fit in?

I wish everybody would still believe in Peter Pan but then where the Hell is Never Land and where do we go from here?

Wishing I was a Man...

I always secretly wished I was born as a Man... I believe a man's life is easier, not only because you can be macho and not be called a feminist but also because men do not have to make the choices we women have to make.

Growing up I always wanted to do what my big brother was doing. I played soccer with him, I was riding my bike like a boy in the forest, and I wanted to play with play mobiles.... I just wanted to be a boy and for that I was a Tomboy...
Then I grew up, I had to go take ballet classes and painting lessons. Then I discovered dresses, makeup and heals. Finally I grew up to be a woman. But this wish to be a man still stayed and the envy I have of their easiness of life is still alive....

The best example I have of the difference between men and women is that Men that are fat love to eat but Woman that are fat simply eat too much. But that's another discussion I guess.

I often have to sit in dinners where I have to listen to men talking about the fact that there are only a few great business women. That obviously men are cut for the job and women just make it if they're lucky or if they're helped by connections in any possible ways. There I sit quietly thinking that if these 'super business' men would only be clever enough to understand WHY so few women make it to the top maybe more women would make it then.
Well, guys, the answer is easy to understand. Many, many women have to make this (horrible) choice, work or family. Even if today more and more women try to get active at home and often make it to ‘their’ top. It's still probably not the choice they would have chosen. But they make it sound like everything's fine.

I also tell people everything's fine when they ask me about my life. Because honestly who wants to hear anyone complain about their life of 'desperate corporate housewife', the one who's trying to make it but cannot even sleep at night because she is so scared of failing. Honestly I had to make this choice but it wasn't my choice. Every day I pretend I'm just fine with it. But every day I wonder why the hell did I studied for. Will I end up like all these desperate housewives? Will I just be pretending that all is fine? Will I be getting fat because I would be so bored? Some days I just wish I was still in the corporate world, because, how much I was complaining about it when I was in it, I felt great about myself. I was seen, I was being acknowledged, I was being someone and I was changing the world. Or so I believed.
Today, here behind my little computer, the only thing that’s left is for me to write my frustrations down. I am sure I'm not the only one pretending all is fine. I am sure we are millions that just keep our smiles on, just to be perfect wives, perfect mothers and perfect daughters.

But who are we to ourselves? Why do we end up forgetting ourselves? I wish I could get up one day and tell myself: 'It doesn't matter that you're not that corporate bitch anymore.... You are a wife and a mother now' but unfortunately it's not enough and I have this horrible feeling that it will never be.

Us Middle Children

Us Middle Children are often different.... We are often called the sandwich... stuck in between two siblings.

Most parents will say that their middle child is a little special, has very strong opinions and often is the problem child of the family. Well I discovered many many years ago that there is a reason why, us, the special children of the family, are so special...

The answer why we are so problematic is because we never know where we stand. I remember that as a child when I was hanging out with my older brother I was considered like a small child, I had to listen to what he was telling me and I had to follow, I was a FOLLOWER. But then when I was with my little sister I was considered as an older child having responsibilities, having to take care of her and suddenly I was a LEADER.

Now tell me that's not f***ed up... Tell me how, when treated differently from one second to another, us middle children can grow up being let's say 'NORMAL'... Going from leader to follower back to leader back to follower and this for years and years makes us not know where to stand anymore. Often we have to use a lot of creativity to stand out and we are, let's say it, very very very opinionated. We are often in competition (in our minds) with the older and the youngest child who each have an easier place to stand in. Not that their lives are easier!

Yes most of us, middle children, are different because from a very young age we had a different way of seeing things. Did we get a choice, No. Did our parents make this mistake on purpose, No. Do we have to live with this for the rest of our lives, Yes.... Do we end up knowing where we stand, honestly I don't know.

All I know is that us, Middle Children, are special, and often when I meet another middle child we understand each other where nobody else understands us.

So Parents... please if you have a middle child don't be so hard on him, he is just trying to stand out. He is just trying to be and make a place for himself.

Us Middle Children will always be different, it probably makes us stronger, it probably prepares us better for our adults life. But I believe that somehow, somewhere we are always scared by this difference and sometimes all we want is just to 'FIT IN'.

Just like anybody else...

I am a Daughter, Friend, Mother, Sister, Wife and Woman that sometimes is lost in her Life but has to keep her head up just like anybody else....

This place is becoming my Shelter, here I don't have to pretend everything is just 'fine', here I can be myself with ups and downs just like anybody else...